ButtChug Weekly - The Endless Jess Newsletter (Patreon)

Salutations Patron Nation, welcome to my new thing. This is a thing that I do now. A weekly patron exclusive newsletter about all the going ons in the Endless Jess Universe. This is an idea I've had kicking around for a while now. I think most of you know that generally speaking, I harbor a healthy, seething contempt for the vast majority of my audience.  They're idiots. I don't like them. I don't respect them. I spit on their mothers. But there HAS to be some in my audience who are cool, right? There just HAS to be. 

Well i think it's a small percentage, but that percentage is most certainly comprised of you buttchug brothers here on Patreon. I keep thinking that as much as I constantly flap my gums about my shitty fans, (and believe me, they're like, REALLY shitty) there has to be more i could be doing to show love to the non-shitty ones who actually support me (monetarily that is, the only way that matters). 

I know I suck shit at delivering my stupid reward tier promises, mostly because I suck shit at coming up with reward tiers I actually feel like doing.  So I'm implementing some experimental new ones that I've had my research and development team (Colt Corona, Alien Boy, and Babadook Spook) hard at work developing in secrecy. This weekly newsletter is the first of said experiments in reward tier technology.  Once a week I'l force myself to write this big ass blog about all the cool stuff I've gotten into and up to over said week. 

I'll start this week's newsletter off with some top secret

#NotReviews

It's been.... a week? 2 weeks? ...It's been some time since I returned from Radcon and in that time I've mostly been dividing my time up between editing lets plays, PleebWeeb, and whenever I'm able to summon the time and lazyness within myself.... watching stuff!  I used the word "time" 4 times in that last sentence, and 7 times in this paragraph. Yay redundancy. I was a writing major. Anyways here's my thoughts on some of the cool stuff I've been consuming lately. 

Yoga Hosers

The new Kevin Smith movie, starring his daughter Harley-Quinn Smith and also Johnny Depp's daughter I-Don't-Know-Her-Name Depp. Because of the casting of their fertile young offspring, a lot of people are writing this film off as a vanity project by Smith and Depp. But as usual when it comes to Kevin Smith, you can always count on the critics to be paste eatingly, bubble bitingly, sock sniffingly wrong about everything. 

I said it with Tusk and I'll say it again with Yoga Hosers. Kevin Smith is a genuine auteur experiencing a second creative peak and the scathing critical reaction to his recent films is nothing less than fucking shameful. 

I can easily say that Tusk was my favorite film of 2014 hands down. Weird, Wonderful, Horrifying, and Hilarious all at once. An Endless Approved classic. 10/10 on the hoopy-meter

With his previous film garnering such high praise from me (the ultimate authority) Yoga Hosers, like Sideshow Mel before it, has big shoes to fill. I can't say it blew me away on quite the same level Tusk did, but hey if every Bratwurst were perfect we wouldn't have Bratzis. 

Consistently funny, charming, and highly entertaining throughout. It's obvious Kevin Smith's only priority with this film was fun, and that's what it is, fun. It's just two girls, with phones, in a band, in Canada, who work in a convenience store, doing yoga,  fighting hot dog nazis, and satanists, and hockey monsters, and all sorts of things, The Movie. 

I actually wrote a full size, huge ass legit #NotAReview for this movie. So you MIGHT see a much more in depth analysis in video form at some point. But as always with me there's always a chance I'll be too busy with other shit and the video will never get made. In which case you loyal buttchuggers are the only ones who get to witness the splendor of me gloriously #NotReviewing this instant classic. 

8/10 for the movie. 10/10 for my brilliant thoughts on the movie. 

Luke Cage

Luke Cage is like the 500th or 900th Marvel Netflix series and at times it was hard to watch through the general fatigue of it all. This is no criticism on the show itself, it's just that between two seasons of daredevil and one of Jessica Jones I've now seen this formula about 50 billion times. Trust me, the math adds up. I'm at the point in my life where my time is so precious to me that I actively resent anyone for making anything that i feel obligated to watch, especially something with 13 episodes and a 12 hour runtime. As excited as I am for Iron Fist, Punisher, More Daredevil, More Jones, and Eventually Defenders, there's a very real part of me that now has Shell Shock flashbacks to the #HouseHole like a Vietnam vet. 

Cage's overall quality in comparison to the other marvel netflix shows is hard to gauge. There were long stretches where the series seemed to be dragging and listless, but every so often it turned out the slow pace was building to a scene or performance that made my fucking jaw drop and my wig fly backwards. A whole lot of the same old shit punctuated by moments of brilliance surpassing the best parts of Daredevil and Jones (Heh, Daredevil and Jones sounds like a damn buddy cop movie) The good parts of this show are GREAT, and there are some unforgettable moments that are gonna be in my brain forever. 

Anyways, bottom line, watch it. It's a comic book thing. You are obligated to watch everything related to superheroes or comics or else you're not a #RealAmerican and I'm coming to your house and bludgeoning you to death with a stack of What If? comics, and they WILL have boards in them. Then the watcher will show up to narrate and the last thing you hear will be "I HAVE SEEN MANY UNIVERSES, IN THIS ONE YOU ARE A FUCCBOI, WHAT IF YOU DIED TODAY?"

Pepsi 1893

So I grew up in a strictly Coca-Cola household, it wasn't until later in life when I struck out on my own and discovered that pepsi is in fact the superior cola. Lately however I've been on a strict no sodey pop diet that I cheat on constantly. Point is there's this new sodey pop that was so interestingly labeled i had to try it. It's from pepsi, but i guess they just decided to make a new cola. Even though it's a pepsi type cola, by pepsi, it's not a pepsi variant, but in fact an original cola. I respect that kind of fearless ingenuity. The cans are all black and look stylish as fuck, boasting of "Dark Brown Malt Flavor", "Real Sugar", and "A touch of aromatic bitters". 

This is a very distinguished cola for very fancy hipsters, and I am all about it. So i had one of these last week, and two today. 

I distinctly remember the one last week tasting bold, new, and exciting. I was very pleased and couldn't wait to try more. But for some reason the ones i had today just didn't quite hit the spot. I'm very strange when it comes to pop lately. Maybe it's because I'm 27 now and therefore basically ready to pick out a casket. I have to be in just the right mood to enjoy a sodey pop, otherwise it inevitably tastes way too sugary, way too powerful, and leaves a bad taste in my mouth as though i can taste every calorie of shame and guilt from cheating on my #NotFat life goals. For me the only way sodey pop ever tastes good and refreshing to me is if I'm at Rock Bottom. When nothing about my day has gone right and I'm pissed off, and I officially don't give a fuck about anything anymore. That's when I can reach for a nice, cool glass bottle pepsi and it's the greatest thing I've ever tasted in my life. But if I'm having a decent day, and in my hubris decide to tempt fate with a sodey pop, it's gonna taste like I'm Captain Barbosa with a nice juicy apple turning to dust on my cursed tongue. Yeh best start believin in forced memes, Miss Turner. This Is one. 

Metroid Zero Mission

So you might remember in the I Love Stuff video I showed off this nifty fan reproduction SNES cartridge of Metroid Zero Mission. Well it turns out a mistake had been made. I incorrectly assumed this rather expensive treasure to be a straight port of Metroid Zero mission, cleverly  ported from the GBA to a SNES catridge. I was wrong. What it actually be, is a modest recreation of Zero Mission's map patched together from Super Metroid's assets. The result is an unholy Frankenstein's Monster of a game that I have no desire to play ever. 

So, overcome with a sudden desire to right the wrongs of my many misadventures i did what i should have done from the beginning and purchased Zero Mission on the Wii U virtual console store for 8 dollars instead of the 50 i spent on the damn cartridge. 

So it was that i finally came to play Metroid Zero mission, considered by many the peak of the series, and it only took me 12 years. Thankfully the game was mercifully short and I was able to roll on through it in just under 4 hours. 

It was good, though my taking so long to play it no doubt had a negative overall effect on my experience. The big twist at the end where the game goes past metroid 1's story for a new stealth section sans armor, blew people away in 2004. So much so that's it's obviously been long since spoiled for me and didn't quite have the same shocking effect. Instead all I could focus on was how fucking annoying that section is to actually play. 

Also the final boss fights against Mother Brain and Mecha-Ridley suck ass. Tiny, tiny hitboxes that you have to jump and shoot at just right while having to deal with Mother Brain's stupid Booty-O Rings knocking you off the platform like some fuck-ass Castlevania shit, or Ridley's stupid idiot claw that manages to be all up your ass all the time while somehow simultaneously blocking his only weak point. 

Not only that, but at one point the game froze and I lost almost 5 minutes of progress. What an unforgivable piece of shit. 

I don't know, it's just harder and harder for video games to impress me the older i get. I have no patience for anything anymore. It's hard to lose myself in a video game because time is money, and I'm constantly aware of this ever present feeling that I'm wasting my fucking time running around collecting these same damn power ups from when I was 5. It's depressing. #TooReal

One other general complaint I have about Zero Mission, as well as the recently released Metroid 2 remake, and this is also a nebulous complaint that might not be worth taking seriously, is that they're... just.... they're not Super Metroid. 

Super Metroid is the greatest game ever made, and all the other Metroids to me just feel like... well... all the other Metroids. Call it nostalgia i guess but nothing matches it for me. Specifically the music and the map. I feel like i remember every inch of that game and as damn good as the other ones are, i never feel like i can memorize the map as well. Again that's a retarded complaint and I'm sure it just comes down to familiarity and nostalgia. I'm old and I'm #Broken and set in my ways and nothing will ever compare to Super Metroid for me.

You know... now that i think about it, that reproduction cartridge might be pretty cool after all. 

Holy shit, I actually just wrote 4 legit ass #NotAReviews. Any one of those could be a video, and you proud few got to see them first. The few, the proud, the ButtChuggers. You're welcome. 

Other stuff:

So as for the other rewards I'm planning on rolling out, in case anyone's interested. 

For the 3 dollar people I'm thinking of a weekly rundown of the comics I'm currently into. I don't know if anyone cares about comics, but you should. Comics are more important than you or me. They're the only things anyone should ever be talking about. At least I think so. I don't know if that's enticing or not. Suggestions are welcome because I suck at knowing what you people want. I only know what I want and I change my mind all the time anyways. What's worth 3 dollars to you? Comics? Wrestling? Competitive Hamboning? Let me know. 

For 5 dollar guys, I still have that unreleased video text thing. Wherein I go through the massive stockpile of written work that is my video graveyard, and select something once a month to present to you in it's written state, complete with an explanation of why it never made it to youtube. That seems decent enough I guess. I have some other ideas for this reward tier... but those ideas are so brilliant i have to keep them shrouded in secrecy at this time. 

The other idea I had was a weekly patron exclusive secret livestream. Probably on Saturday Nights or something since I'm usually here screwin around anyway. I don't know whether to set that for a high tier or a low tier. I'll meditate on this. 

Last but not least, For all you heroic fucking 25 dollar patrons who earned yourself a Manchild Inc. Sponsorship, i know I've kept you waiting for far too long. The time may very well be coming for a new Cerealized. So anyone who's pledged 25 dollars nows the time to let me know what you want Mr. Manchild to shill for you. 

Anyways that's all for this edition of the Endless Jess Universal Pan-Galactic Super Secret ButtChugger Blog. I bought a record player today so I'm gonna listen to some vinyls like a hipster piece of shit and probably grow a moustache.  3 dollar and above patrons... I'll be seeing you very soon.