Forgotten Masterpiece - Fuck Toddlers (Patreon)

INTRO

As i've mentioned I have a massive vault full of videos that were postponed, abandoned, or never made it to youtube for whatever reason. Some of these are fully written, some are fully filmed, some are even halfway edited but for one reason or another ended up getting pushed aside or forgotten in the mad dash for intellectual dominance at the forefront of my idea lobe. 

The following piece is a long lost episode of my Fuck Everything series that i wrote over the summer titled "Fuck Toddlers". I actually wrote this on the same day that I wrote the Fuck Football video. I came home and hammered them both out back to back in about an hour. But i guess I only had time to make one of them into a video and so it ended up being Fuck Football that got the youtube treatment. 

Now at long last the world can gaze upon the majesty of what could have been. 

Loyal 5 dollar patreonies, i present to you...

FUCK TODDLERS

Why does every women have at least 5 toddlers?

When did people become possums, when did we start giving birth in litters?

If you have a friend or loved one who is female, get ready to lose them, because between the ages of 28- and 35, women cease being people, and instead become walking jungle gyms with a minimum of 16 children hanging off them at all times. 

These are the nursery years, when women begin to realize their 20s were a bust, and so put the pedal to the metal and blast off full throttle into parenthood. Shitting out babies with reckless abandon and zero concern for the finite resources of our precious earth. 

If you stop and think about it, it’ll make your head explode. It doesn’t even make sense how they can have so many toddlers. 

If it takes 9 months to carry a baby to term, then you’d think by the 5th baby the oldest one would no longer be a fucking toddler. 

But that’s not the case. Toddlers last forever. They’re not real people, and they don’t grow up. 

The idea that babies turn into people is a social construct designed to keep us asleep. 

Think about it, do you remember being that young? 

Exactly. Nobody does. 

Toddlers are not human. They’re a bio-organic alien virus implanted in women’s utureses and carried to term as part of a galactic conspiracy to cuck the earth. 

I believe that the number of toddlers is just going to keep increasing until the entire world is drowning in them. 

That’s the only way to rationalize the fact that  every time i see my family, each of my female cousins somehow always has a new bakers dozen of extra-terrestrial artificial humanoids hanging off of them like Halo grunts from a food nipple. 

It’s not just that they have thousands of kids. it’s that women in this age group can’t talk about anything but their kids. They literally cease being people. They are only mothers, and the only thought in their heads is the daily minutiae of caring for their squirming brood. 

If you actually sit and listen to young mothers talk, it’s like staring into the abyss. It stares back at you. You can’t believe any human being can be this boring and it’s enough to turn your hair white and have you frothing at the mouth within minutes. 

I have listened to young mothers talk about their children’s haircuts for hours. 

Haircuts. 

who in the fuck gives a hell?

All they can talk about is their goddamned toddlers. 

Noisy, smelly, noisy, ugly, loud, noisy, greasy, slimy, ugly, evil, disgusting, noisy, weak toddlers, who are also noisy, and small and weak. 

...and the men aren’t any better. 

I used to be able to talk to my older cousins, cause they used to care about cool shit, like video games, and X-men. 

But now all they can talk about is baseball. 

The same way that motherhood takes over a woman’s entire brain between the ages of 28-35, a similar chemical reaction occurs in a male’s brain that makes them only care about sports during this time. 

This is the mental conditioning time bomb implanted in us to keep us docile and distracted from the fact that we’ve all been duped into raising alien offspring and are constantly surrounded by women who can’t shut the fuck up about said offspring. 

So now I’m sitting on 4th of july weekend with family, unable to get any work done. With baby conversation on one side, and sports conversation on the other. 

If you were to ask a deaf person what being in hell sounded like, that’s would they describe. 

What’s worse is that i didn’t even have a phone to distract myself, because phones are for idiots. 

After 10 minutes of being in that cacophonous boom tube of boring conversation and pre pubescent wailing, it was clear i had to either find a way to escape or hang myself in the garage. 

So I took off and went home without saying bye to anyone, and left my mom there. 

I doubt she’ll even notice for 3 days, and when she does, I’m sure one of their precious damn toddlers can drive her home. Oh wait. They can’t. because they’re worthless and not interesting. 

Something they have in common with people age 28-35, Who i’m now gonna start calling Parentoddlers. 

That’s a portmanteau of parents and toddlers because i’m still clever and interesting enough to invent words. 

...at least for 13 more months, after which point this will become a sports channel. 

*Endlessssss Jesssssssssssssss*