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You should see the other guy. (Patreon)

Published:
2022-02-10 11:20:12
Imported:
2026-06

Content


I don't want all these letters to be about my problems. I've just been alone with them for a long time, so I am getting them out of my system. I'll be the fun kind of crazy again soon. For example, when the scars on my face were more fresh, people asked about them. So I came up with some good jokes to laugh it off. 


What happened to my head? 


I looked them dead in the eye, “I asked too many questions.”


What happened to my head? Am I okay? Pffft.


You should see the other guy.


Really what happened to my head is I cut it, over the course of months, again and again, with knives. And then I threw every knife down a sewer, went home and tore open an energy drink can for a makeshift edge. I used broken glass. A pair of tweezers. 


I slashed at the side of my temple so hard with the jagged lid of a Chef Boyardee can that it jammed into the bone and stuck there. I should’ve taken a picture. I should’ve been scared. Fucking mini-ravioli.


I didn’t know what to do. The hospital just kept sending me home. “If we send you home right now, do you think you’re going to hurt yourself again?”


“100% yes.”


“Well, try not to." No hesitation at all. "Do you need a taxi chit?”


And then I just ordered more knives online. The package came, and I set it on my dresser. What happens is the pressure starts to build. Not like a headache, but like there is an atmosphere of noise and light that gets louder and brighter, and it isn’t upsetting. It doesn’t make me anxious or scared. It makes me far away. And when I’m far enough away… 


This sounds so stupid. I’m trying to describe something I don’t understand at all, and worse I’m trying to describe it coherently. My experience isn’t coherent. There is light and noise all the time. It doesn’t build up pressure. It is more like the tide? There are weird sea worms in it! It picks up a knife and slashes at my eye in the mirror.


People very rarely mutilate their own faces. So - Pick a reason that sounds good - cry for help - wanting to destroy my identity - punishing myself - anything, really. Then just add the word “subconsciously.” There - you can work at a hospital ER. "Maybe he subconsciously wants to wear a cool eyepatch?" You're HIRED!


Here’s an answer that Doctors don’t like so much. There is no reason. That's what I've started to think. There’s no reason for this at all. This is just me. 


Joey

Comments

Rosie H

I only tell people the parts of my trauma that are funny. I'm addicted to the surrealism of it at this point. The moment where gravity changes directions right before something happens. Or maybe it's my mind rewriting it all to keep me safe. I am thinking of various people I've known with huge scars on their heads and faces now and wondering why I never asked them how it happened.

Boots McGoot

i wish i could tell you why it's happening. or be of any help whatsoever... i hope you are building a strong therapeutic relationship with someone. you shouldn't have to figure this out alone. x

Karen Meisner

I'm so glad you're writing about it, talking about it, letting it not just be something you're alone with. I don't know what else to do except tell you I'm your friend and I'm here. I think you were doing something you needed to do, but also I really don't want you to hurt yourself anymore. You've hurt enough. Please let that be enough. Please let writing, reconnecting, be a way to do what you need to do. I love you.

Jenny He

Thank you for trying to put something completely impossible to describe into words. I just hope that this horrible pressure inside you ceases. You deserve to not be in pain. I'm so sorry.

Kimedgar

Thank you so much for writing about this and trying to describe the ineffable. While my experiences are not entirely the same, i really understand how indescribable these experiences can be, and how people outside the experience often try to position it within a narrative or paradigm they can understand. Psychiatry and medical professionals really struggle with anything outside their taxonomy.

Kate OfTheSea

Thank you for being a male presenting person willing to talk about it, even if the answer is: There is no answer, reason not the need. Men I know who have struggled in a similar way feel so supremely alone because there's such a terrible stigma around men and mental health, especially when it comes to any kind of self harm rather than outward violence. Not to mention ACCESS to resources is garbage because, as you so clearly put it, it seems as though even hospitals are ill equipped. I hope the path you're on becomes easier to navigate. I hope this is the beginning of obstacles becoming managable. I'm optimistic as you appear to be "back" enough to engage with "us." I hope you can feel our love & support. Wish I knew you IRL, man. Stay groovy. 💙

ABiggerGhost

This is the closest thing I’ve seen/ heard that describing what it’s like. The nothing. The no reason. The am I just this way.? Keep writing when possible. Thank you. Hold on. Thank you. Love. 🖤

Ash

When my scars were fresh people did mental gymnastics to come up with more “reasonable” explanations. I was asked if I had a cat, if I had been doing a lot of yard work, and, my personal favorite, if I enjoyed berry picking. As if anyone in the history of humanity had been such a passionate or terrible berry picker that they would incur such wounds over and over. It’s hard for people to wrap their heads around a direct and visible self destructive impulse, even while so many people are walking around with different kinds of self inflicted wounds in their bodies or minds or relationships. I don’t know if there will ever be a tidy why that will feel true to you, but you’re certainly not alone.