Book 7, Chapters 77, 78, 79 (Patreon)

This will be the second-to-last chapter dump for book 7, This Inevitable Ruin.

Retcon wise, not much to report. There was an earlier conversation with Ferdinand that now needs to be changed. I'm going to seed a significant amount of conversation throughout the book about two different things. One is the rules about how Celestial Attendants and NPCs in general are protected from the gods on the 12th floor, at least until the Ascendency actually starts, and the other may be a thing or two about Justice Light's two hobbies... puzzles and sewing.

Chapter 77

Meatus hasn’t exactly left the realm. He’s now mashed all over the realm. Holy shit. Still, the Scavenger’s Daughter looks away because even she doesn’t want to look at that. Luckily for you, the benefit fades. For the remainder of this floor, your penis is now protected from getting chopped off! Isn’t that great?

Rosetta: It’s in my teeth. It’s in my fucking teeth! Oh gods, I can taste it.

“Noooooooooooo!” came a deep scream, shaking the Nest.

Harpocrates. The god wasn’t mute after all. He raised his arms in the air. “My cock! My beloved cock! You will pay for this, Champion of Nekhebit!”

And with that, he too, disappeared.

Harpocrates has left the realm.

The Scavenger’s Daughter has closed her eyes. The benefit fades, though you now have it permanently, which, I gotta tell you, ain’t all that exciting.

I peered out into the night. Gore completely covered everything as far as I could see. Above, the paw dissipated, showering more blood and body parts over Shanty Town. The chains faded away, as if made of smoke.

Blood dripped from everything and everywhere.

At the same moment, it abruptly started to snow. At least I thought it was snow at first, but I realized it was actually ash. Ash from the eruption. It mixed with all the gore in the air, giving the impression it was literally raining blood. The entire night took on a red tinge. The river of lava seemed to be frozen, having mostly cooled, though in the distance I could see hints that the lava continued to ooze from the mountainous region and now moved off in other directions after having clogged the river.

This is hell, I thought. This is hell.  

A notification came regarding a new Demon Eviction, but it was abruptly cut off by a strange notification that I didn’t get a chance to read.  

“Okay,” Donut said as red ash fell over us. “Okay.” She sat up in her chair, and she was rapidly rubbing her paw on the side of the parapet as if she was trying to clean it. She still trembled, but I could see she was calming down. My own heart wouldn’t stop thrashing.

Donut did not have any additional player killer skulls. That was a relief. The spell was supposed to know who our enemies were. It seemed that part, at least, worked properly.

Below, the city defense towers were firing nonstop, and I knew they were firing at our people, but even as we watched, a fire lance tower tumbled away, followed by familiar dinosaur roar. Big Tina.

The toweres were getting taken out one by one by the sheer mass of folks crowded down there. A group of fairies, led by Elle, whipped through the air, shooting ice over the pools of steaming lava filling the upper levels of Larracos before spiraling back down to start shooting out the crystal of another tower.

“Okay, it’s done. It’s done,” Donut continued. She wasn’t talking about the assault on Larracos. She shook her head and blinked. “That... that wasn’t pleasant.”

“Donut...” I began, but she held up a paw, stopping me. Our views were absolutely spiked, despite the fight having moved to below us.  

She sat upright and took a moment to compose herself. “At least I’m back in my rightful spot as leader of the party. I was worried I’d lost my Former Child Actor benefits, but it says I still have them. This new Oak Fell class and this champion thing are in addition to my original class. I don’t even worship Nekhebit, and it says I don’t have to if I don’t want to, but I’m not allowed to worship anyone else who’s not in her ‘court.’ Both the class and the title come with a bunch of weird spells. Plus, I just got another two Celestial boxes and a pretty amazing Lorena Bobbitt achievement.”

Mordecai: By his left fucking tit, Donut. By his left tit. Those spells you just gained are deity spells. You are... I think you’re now the most powerful crawler in the history of this game. You’ll have a few choices you need to make for both your intelligence and strength now that they’re both over 100. The notification probably won’t go away until you choose.

Donut: GOODNESS, I’M NOT GOING TO PICK THE SWOLE BENEFIT. DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT IT DID TO CARL? CAN YOU IMAGINE? I’M GOING TO PICK MUSCLE MOMMY FOR STRENGTH SO MONGO IS STRONGER, AND FOR INTELLIGENCE I PICK BRAIN TRUST SO I CAN MAKE MAGIC MISSILE EVEN MORE POWERFUL. I ALSO HAVE ONE TO PICK FOR MY CHARISMA TOPPING 200. I’M GOING TO PICK ONE CALLED WHOLESALE DISCOUNT.

Mordecai: Uh, are you sure about that Muscle Mommy benefit?

Donut: TOO LATE. I PICKED IT. WOW! HAVE YOU SEEN MY CHARISMA?

Mordecai: Yeah. I think the Bopcas will be worshipping you again. Your charm and Love Vampire skills are stronger than that of most gods.

Donut: PLUS I GET EVERYTHING AT COST AT THE STORE. IT’S FANTASTIC!    

“Holy fucking shit, Donut,” I said upon examining her.

Her level had grown to 135.

I could tell she was struggling, but the fact she was actively covering it was such a relief. That meant something. I hadn’t lost her yet. Plus she did seem genuinely excited about some of these new benefits.  

She was dealing with this better than I was. We needed to get back out there, but first, we had to rest a minute. Still, my mind reeled at the amount of power she’d gained all at once.  

Donut continued. “I was quite worried for a moment that they’d give all the credit to Li Na since she put all those chains out there, but Mordecai is correct. It looks like I am once again the strongest crawler in the dungeon. Mongo is going to be so proud, and with my new Muscle Mommy benefit, his strength is boosted by 25% of my own strength!” She looked over the edge and clicked her tongue. “Hmm. I think I’m going to keep him caged up for a bit. Carl, best keep Rend caged as well. If they manage to eat some of that, uh, Meatus gore, I don’t think I could look at either the same again. As the strongest crawler in the dungeon I have to maintain a sense of decorum, and both Mongo and Rend by extension must also maintain the same propriety. Goodness, the smell is quite repulsive, isn’t it?”   

System message. A crawler has maxed out her base strength. Crawler Li Na now has 300 strength.

System message. A crawler has maxed out her base intelligence. Crawler Li Na now has 300 intelligence.

System message... yeah, I can keep doing this, but she maxed them all. Even Charisma, which is a hard one.

System Message. So, this has never happened before, but a crawler has reached max base stats. She can still raise her stats beyond that with equipment and bonuses and spells, but we don’t actually have a plan to deal with this, so I’m gonna have to come up with something.  

I felt a deep, deep chill.

Elle: For crissakes, guys. We were only out of it for like an hour.

“Hey!” Donut exclaimed. “Carl, her level is only 87! How did she do that? And why didn’t I get one of those announcements for charisma? My charisma is way above 300!”

“Not your base, Donut. Not yet,” I said, looking over at Li Na’s chain tower, which had grown silent. My own level was only 79, just on the verge of 80. I was getting left behind.

It appeared Li Na had left her tower again. “You crazy asshole. Holy shit, Li Na.”   

I now knew why I couldn’t mark those in the ball. I couldn’t mark them because Li Na had already done so.

She’d marked them all.   

But, the moment I thought that, I realized there were two notifications we hadn’t received.

I looked over, surprised. Both Victory and Fopsy were gone. I hadn’t seen when they’d left.

“She used the Ring of Divine Suffering,” I said. “But she has a problem. I’m pretty sure she’d marked both Tagg and Fang, but we didn’t kill them. They both got away somehow. More might have gotten away, too.”

“Uh, oh,” Donut said. “Doesn’t that mean she can’t heal?”

“Yes. And every time she uses her chains, she loses just a little health.”

Donut grunted. “That doesn’t matter. She can just punch everyone to death now. And as soon as we win Faction Wars, they’ll all drop dead now because of that new stupid rule. Where is she anyway?”

That was a good question. I activated Find Crawler, but before I could even scroll over to her, we received the answer.

System Message: The Throne Room of Team Retribution has been abandoned by the War Mage Rebellion. The City Defense system has gone inert!

System Message: The Throne Room of Team Retribution is now occupied by forces from the Princess Posse. If you can hold for six hours, your team will win Faction Wars!  

System Message: The Throne Room of Team Retribution has been abandoned. It has fallen back into control of Team Retribution.    

Britney: Um, Carl. Li Na just tore through the castle. She’s glowing, and she’s not talking to anyone. The remaining war mages opened a portal and disappeared. We don’t know where they went.

Carl: Shit. I think she’s looking for Tagg and Fang. She can’t heal until they’re dead.  

I moved to a private chat.

Carl: Hey. Li Na. How many got away?

Li Na: About 20 of them, including both warlords. There are several unaffiliated outworlders here, and they all disappeared. Where did they come from?

Carl: I saw them. I don’t know who they are or how they got here. Look. The NPCs still have someone in the Dream castle, and they’ll have the throne room captured in about four hours. Now that things are settled here, we gotta go to the Reaver castle, rescue Louis, and we’ll take their throne room, too. You’ll be okay. As soon as that’s done, we’ll finish the plan. We just gotta watch out for the remaining War Mages. I don’t know where they went.

She didn’t answer.

I moved to the main chat, and Donut was already in there apologizing to everyone about putting them in the ball, but everyone was claiming they didn’t have any memory of it.

Elle: Donut, you saved our asses. When we were in that Witness spell but all piled up, it was like we were paralyzed, and we could feel everything, but we couldn’t move. It was awful. The moment you cast that battle formation spell, it was lights out.

Chris: The Witness spell was just as bad as being controlled by Maggie. You saved us.

Donut: YOU WERE ALL SCREAMING. ARE YOU SURE?

Katia: We’re sure. The worst part was waking up because we were falling and didn’t know what was happening, but it was still better than where we were. That was truly horrible.

Donut: AND IT DIDN’T HURT?

Elle: My throat feels like I’ve been gargling sandpaper. And I smell like that god’s schlong. It’s worse than when you got sprayed by the skunk. But that’s it.

Donut: OH NO, I’M SO SORRY.  

Elle: It’s not the first time I’ve woken up stinking like a stranger’s wang, believe me.

Imani: Elle!

Elle: Don’t pretend you don’t know what went down on Canasta night. Look, Donut. That was a complete shitshow. We lost people from the towers when we woke up. Some of us got burned by fleshers. Several lost limbs. It wasn’t pretty, but you pulled through for all of us in a way nobody else could. Not even Carl. What you did... Nobody is ever going to forget it. You are a goddamn hero.    

Donut: LI JUN DIED. BOMO DIED. AND HUNDREDS MORE.

Elle: Yes, they did. And none of them would have it any other way. You know why? Because they died helping you. They died helping you save all of us. Don’t you even think twice about it. You rose to the fucking occasion, and there’s a reason why you’re now... Uh holy shit, Donut. I just saw your level.  

Donut: SOMEBODY MAKE SURE ZHANG IS OKAY. HE HASN’T SAID ANYTHING.

Imani: I’m with him right now. He’s very upset, but he’s proud of his friend.

Zhang: Donut. Jun was always afraid he wouldn’t do anything important. He was afraid his sister would be lost without him. You helped her get strong enough to protect herself. That would’ve made him proud, and it makes me proud to have you as a friend.

Donut: ZHANG, I’M SO SORRY.

Zhang: You have nothing to apologize for. He was my best friend, and I have nothing but admiration and respect for you.

Donut was back in my arms, cuddled against me, her eyes closed.

“It’s okay to cry,” I said.

“Not yet,” she said after a moment. “We’re not done yet.”

“No,” I said. “No, I guess we’re not.”

Chapter 78

We now stood before the absolutely wrecked castle of the Semeru, who’d built it as a capstone against further intrusion toward the gods. The castle was originally made of living wood, and it had since been encased in intricately carved stone inlaid with gemstones. The wood was now gone, having rotted away. The remaining stones barely resembled that they were once any sort of cohesive structure. The roof was long gone. What remained of the cracked and sunken-in walls were covered in marks that looked like scars from electrical strikes. It was where tree roots had grown up along the walls and since rotted away.

The whole area was covered in wet, slimy goo mixed in with ash. The smell was indescribable. It was like burned fish mixed with rotten milk mixed with sulfur mixed with mulch. And even though none of the gore from Donut’s War Crime spell had made it down here during the initial attack, it still rained red ash, giving everything a dark, ghoulish dusting.  

I thought of Priestly, the cookbook author who’d gone insane at the sight of this city after it had fallen. Stab, stab, stab.

Slam, slam, slam.

There was a statue here, once, at the entrance, but it had fallen over and shattered. The stones of the statue were still wet, and as the ash settled on it, it caused the rock to glitter in the light from the multiple Torch and Spotlight spells hovering over the bottom levels of Larracos. Far to my left, a large section of the second and third levels of the city were just gone, replaced by a hole. The massive dwarven digger, which was basically a boxy, god-sized robot covered in all directions with spiral digging arms and goblin-murder-dozer-like spinning wheels sat idle. A pair of Semeru stood atop it, doing something inside a control panel on the shoulder of the thing. They looked like bugs standing upon it.

“Watch out for the puddles, mate,” Florin said. “The bartenders are neutralizing them, but most are still acid.”

I’d just finished telling him everything that had gone down with Lucia. He’d laughed when he heard about the net trap. We were waiting for Imani to finish up in the hospital tent. Once she came out, a group of us were going to head to the Reaver castle to rescue Louis, who remained trapped and unconscious, but otherwise unharmed. Samantha said she couldn’t get to him because the walls kept changing. She was in a constant, rolling fight with a bunch of robot dogs who had control of the castle.

Here in Shanty Town, the NPCs, the won-over mercenaries, the veterans, and the crawlers all worked together to help clean up the damage. We were rapidly repairing the towers that we’d destroyed.

There was still no sign of either Tagg or Fang. There was no sign of the War Mages.

I did, however, have a string of messages in my warlord chat. The bewildering conversation confused everything even further:

Warlord Akuma: Hey, underwear boy. Do me a favor. Kill that old lady for me, and I’ll forgive you and your pet for killing off so many of my brothers.  

The Champion of Nekhebit: I AM NOT A PET, MR. WAR MAGE. AND WHY ARE YOU MAD AT ELLE? SHE IS DELIGHTFUL. ALSO HOW CAN I CHANGE MY NAME BACK TO WARLORD DONUT? IT DOESN’T DO THIS IN THE REGULAR CHAT.

Warlord Akuma: Is Elle the one on the Four Seasons path? Not her, dipshit. Keep her alive if you wish for us to face Scolopendra and survive. Agatha. The other warlord we were forced to accept in order to gain system access. She was forced upon us, and she is an enemy to you. She is an enemy to us all. We had no hand in those so-called “action items” other than the Conscription one. She slipped away before I was able to kill her. Do this for me, and we will be allies.     

Warlord Carl: Us? If you wish for “us” to survive?

The Champion of Nekhebit: DID YOU JUST CALL ME A DIPSHIT? I’M A HIGHER LEVEL THAN YOU ARE, YOU SAGGY TWAT.

Warlord Carl: I’ll tell you what. Tell me where you are, and I’ll be happy to discuss how we can work together in person.

Warlord Akuma: You won’t be seeing me again on this floor. We never wished to keep that falling-down castle. We sought to test the potions we gathered and to find the Scavenger’s daughter, who was hidden within, and we found her. She is with us now. Once we had her in our possession, we left. That was all we ever wanted with this place, and we are no enemies to you. But Agatha’s actions continue to place everybody and everything in jeopardy, and she must be dealt with. She has a method that allows her to jump to the Waiting Room and reappear outside an open stairwell. You won’t likely see her on this floor again. You will have to find her on the 10th. Do this for us if you want to survive. She seeks to kill us all. Not just you and not just me. Everybody and everything.    

Epitome Tagg: By the gods. That orc princess was right. We should have blown the failsafe weeks ago. By the gods.  

The Champion of Nekhebit: HEY, HOW DID YOU CHANGE YOUR NAME?

Warlord Carl: Yeah, we’re looking for you, too, buddy.

The Champion of Nekhebit: NO, SERIOUSLY. THIS IS ANNOYING.

Epitome Tagg: For the sake of the gods, it’s in the notification menu. Section four.

WARLORD DONUT: IT WORKED! THANKS! WE’RE STILL GOING TO KILL YOU, THOUGH!

The conversation had ended there. I was so confused by the War Mage’s words, I’d copied and pasted it and sent it to both Victory and Zev, and neither answered me right away, which worried me even further.

Carl: Mordecai, who is the Scavenger? And who is the Scavenger’s Daughter? I know it’s the name of my patch, but I didn’t know there was more to it than that.

Mordecai: Are you talking about the in-dungeon one or the fairy tale? Either way, that’s a conversation that’s not going to matter if you don’t figure out how to find and kill those two warlords, or if you don’t figure out how to survive this floor without having to fight Juice Box and the NPCs.

Carl: That last part is already settled. I hope. I’m more worried about Donut and Katia. We still have to do the flower ceremony, but we can’t until everything is fully settled.

Mordecai: I know, son. Focus on that before you focus on anything else.

Florin laughed again, bringing me back to the present. “You’re lucky Lucia only cast two nets, mate. She’s the queen of the triple tap. Is she still in with the liaisons?”

“She is. Hopefully she stays there.”

He nodded. He stretched and leaned his shotgun over his shoulder. “We’ll see what personality she settles on when she comes back out. Hopefully they talk her into taking a deal at the beginning of the 10th. If not, I will volunteer to keep her safe.”

“You’re not planning on taking a deal?” I asked.

Florin scoffed. “I suspect most will take a deal if they’re actually offered. They’re tired, mate. But you and I both know everything is fucked, and it’s possible it’s all going to come crashing down. If that happens, I want to go down fighting. Not locked up in stasis or whatever. I think there’s a lot of us who feel that way.”

He nodded at the large, blond barbarian man who was helping to clean off the street. Jurgen.

“That one won’t ever take a deal, either. Not if there’s a chance that Lucia won’t. He’ll die protecting her.”

“Jurgen?” I asked, looking at the large man. “How does he know Lucia?”

“He doesn’t. But if Lucia’s fate is tied to that kinder facility where they’re keeping all the kids and the pregnant women, he’ll die protecting the girl. He came in with his pregnant wife, Heidi, and she disappeared. She’s up there somewhere with the rest of the kids. There’s a lot of men and women here who have kids who might be up there.” He looked at me, eyes intense. “It’s the most important thing one can do, don’t you think? Protecting the kids?”

I smiled sadly. “I hope she’s not as psycho now that the dogs are dead.”

He nodded. “We’ll manage.”  

Across the way, Donut sat on the shoulder of the Sledge, who was staring sadly off into nothing. He still clutched on the repurposed, large-sized video game controller for the missile system. Chris, Clay-Ton, and Very Sullen were there, surrounding the sad rock monster. Edgar the tortoise was there too with Rosetta, and as I watched, Edgar shook his head.

Edgar: Sorry. He’s a rock monster. I can’t tattoo a rock, let alone extract anything from him. Not with my tools. It’s possible a changeling can get the spell from him, but it’s unlikely because it’s not a spell that cretins normally have.  

Rosetta: It’s okay. We’ll have to manage.

Justice Light: GODSDAMNIT, WHY ISN’T ANYONE LISTENING TO ME? GET THE GATE BACK, AND IT WON’T MATTER.

Carl: Justice, I know where the gate is. We are going to grab it after I save Louis if we can.

Justice Light: Tell me where it is, and send the sluggalos back to me, and I will get it back myself.

Tipid: Until the threat has passed, I think you should remain in the tunnels.

Justice Light: This is the threat, don’t you understand?

Tipid: Justice, no. We don’t understand because you haven’t told us what you need it for.

Justice Light: Carl, tell me where it is.  

I hesitated. I met eyes with Rosetta, who sat across the way. I remembered her, emerging out of the ground to throw the lasso around King Rust’s neck. I remembered her decapitating him. How long had she waited for that moment? Centuries?

And afterward, I remembered how she’d sobbed. She’d sobbed with such devastating relief that even though I didn’t comprehend it at the time, I’d felt it in my bones.

I didn’t understand what Justice Light was doing with this “antenna.” He clearly didn’t want to tell us, likely because it was dangerous. Or stupid. Probably both.

I’d told Rosetta, Tipid, and Donut, along with almost all of the other officers, everything that Eris had said to me. Tipid and Rosetta were both hesitant about the idea of getting the artifact for Justice. Both were overwhelmingly protective of the eccentric skyfowl. Still, I’d advocated for it if we could.

Who was I to stand between a brother and his revenge, whatever it may be? Because clearly that’s what this was.  

Carl: It is in the stomach of a merchant named Paca in the Midnight Market.

Justice Light: I know who that is. She is an ambassador for the in-game’s version of the Apothecary. Thank you, Carl. I will have it shortly.

Carl: You know how to get there? You know how to get inside?

Justice Light: Oh, yes. There have been seasons when my shop was within the market. I know it well. With the help of the sluggalos, we will have it very quickly.  

I still held onto Rosetta’s gaze. After a moment, she nodded. She nodded, and she wiped her eyes. She, too, understood. How could she not?    

Across the way, Big Tina stood atop a pile of rocks shouting down at her mother, who’d come from the FUPA to gather her back. The ballerina dinosaur had single-handedly taken out a fire lance tower and protected dozens of crawlers from getting burned alive. Her magical, ever-repairing feather boa was black and scorched.

The massively pregnant Kiwi shouted up at her. Mongo was there, too, bouncing in circles around the allosaurus as she waved her wand angrily at her mother.

“They ain’t getting her back into the FUPA,” Florin said, chuckling. “She’s too big for the saferoom doors down here, and all them stairs are blown out. You should’ve seen her. She was a goddamn terror. She popped out of the ball and went right to work.”

I nodded. What was a worse fate? Disappearing with the collapse of the floor? Or moving from one war to the next?

“Did you really not feel anything while you were in the ball?” I asked Florin.

“As far as Donut is concerned, no. We didn’t feel anything, mate.” He hesitated. “Just don’t... just don’t let her do that to us again.”   

I nodded. I figured as much.

Imani and Juice Box emerged from the hospital tent. Trailing behind them was Britney, whose nose was buried in a pile of papers. It was the plan for the last minute changes to the city’s defenses.

Carl: Anything?

Imani: Her health is 100%. I don’t see any sign that there’s anything wrong with her. She doesn’t have an axe, Carl. Or if she does, it’s in her inventory.

Juice Box: If she has a presence about her, it’s deep. It’s not anything I can feel. And believe me, I can feel most everything.

Carl: Do you feel anything when you touch me?

Juice Box: I don’t feel anything at all when I touch you, Carl. Britney feels like a normal human to me. If there’s something there, it’s hidden well. Perhaps the goddess lied to you. Didn’t she claim you were married? Assuming you’re not holding out on something, that seems like a life event most people are aware of.

That was true. Still... I had an uneasy feeling.

Elle: I don’t see why we don’t just ask Britney about it.

Carl: Not yet. Let’s just keep watching. If it’s a presence like mine, we don’t want it to hurt her if it suspects we know it’s there.  

“We ready?” Katia asked out loud as she and Bautista walked up.

Prepotente landed heavily next us astride Bianca. “I found her. Li Na is in the woods, seeking those who got away. She appears to have some new hunting skills along with the ability to fly, likely a benefit from her dexterity. It is curious she is unable to find those who’ve been marked, however. It’s quite an unfortunate development.”

Across the way, sitting on the ground was a group of crawlers who remained unaffiliated. Osvaldo and his crew. The crawler was sitting there, glaring at Prepotente. I was going to talk to him about that memorial crystal, but I’d recently received an update to my quest from Emberus.

I’d been expecting Emberus to say something about my conversation with Eris, but he hadn’t mentioned it.

Quest Update. Find Out Who Killed My Son.

Memorial Crystal: Apito has fallen from Crawler Osvaldo’s hands and is now in possession of Crawler Prepotente. Retrieve it from him before he cracks the secrets and gives them to the Epicure.     

I had no idea how the memorial crystal had gotten from Osvaldo to Prepotente without a fight. When this was over, I was going to sit down with Prepotente and explain everything to him, but now wasn’t the time. I suspected he was going to be an ass about it, so I had to make certain it was during a time when we both weren’t so keyed up.

“You coming with us to save Louis?” I asked him.

“I think not,” Prepotente said.  “I believe I will assist Li Na in her search for the missing culprits. I will keep you apprised of any developments.” He pulled a potion bottle out, and he downed it. “I must say, this has been quite the day, don’t you think?”

I just looked at Prepotente. “You can say that.”

I was prepared for it this time. Still, his scream was piercing. It smelled like root beer.

Donut appeared, landing upon my shoulder. She felt strangely heavy, a side effect of her massively increased strength.

“Come on, Carl. Let’s go save Louis.”

Chapter 79

Samantha: ARE YOU GUYS COMING OR NOT? THIS CASTLE IS SPOOKY. ALSO, IT STILL COUNTS AS ME SAVING HIM IF YOU HELP. WE HAVE A DEAL, JUICE BOX.

Carl: We’re coming. We’ll be there in ten minutes.

We had to take a ground transport. Florin’s soldiers had actually captured a Reaver airship, one of the troop transports they used for paratroopers, but we didn’t dare attempt to fly it. That bleached drake monster still circled above the castle, and we decided to leave the monster be unless it attacked. Prepotente said he wanted to take a crack at it if we decided to leave it alone, and I told him to wait until we were done.

I’d tried messaging Li Na a few times, but she’d since stopped answering. I talked to Zhang, and he said she would answer him, but all she said when he asked was that she was “hunting.”

The land here was covered in gray ash, and the transport left tracks like we were cutting through snow. We drove mostly in silence as we bounced over the hills, which had already been cleared of traps. Knowing that all of the remaining mercenaries of the Reavers were dead was oddly disconcerting, and the plains didn’t just feel abandoned... They felt haunted.

On the transport was me, Imani, Katia, Dr. Bones, Holger, Splash Zone, Tipid, and Bautista, who was driving. I also had Rend out, who stood at the very edge of the platform, his mouth open like he was a dog sticking his head out a car window. Donut rushed alongside to the left astride Mongo with Twinkle Toes active. I still hadn’t had a chance to examine all of her new and approved abilities, but Mongo was decidedly more buff with the Muscle Mommy benefit. On the other side of the transport rode Dong astride Gonk, his Twinkle Toes also active, making the swamp yak run astonishingly fast. Bigs the sluggalo sat atop the head of the yak, whooping over and over.

Holding up the rear of our procession was Jamal, who could also run terrifyingly fast on his Katia-designed spider legs. Jamal kept accidentally spurting out little bursts of flame—so many, that I ordered him to face the nozzle backwards so he didn’t accidentally flame us.   

Both Elle and Juice Box flew just above the transport, keeping low. Juice Box was in the form of a round wisp, and kept zipping ahead of us.

Juice Box was the only changeling in the group. The rest remained at the castle and were at work repairing the town’s defenses as quickly as they could.

We also had about two hours left before the team at the remains of the Dream castle would capture the throne room there. Tran and the 102nd were there now, surrounding the place to make certain nothing happened. The moment that timer ended, Epitome Tagg would—in theory—drop dead.

Florin, Boomer, Bodi, Britney, and Rosetta had all stayed behind, helping the others clear out the damage caused by the lava. We needed the top, defensive ring of the city prepared the best we could. We needed as many towers as possible repaired. And the ones we were repairing, we were changing out the spells.

Ferdinand had also stayed behind. He was currently “directing” the repair of the Nest tower. We weren’t yet sure if we’d be able to adjoin Shanty Town to Larracos, but Mordecai seemed to think it might be possible. Either way, it first required us to cede the territory back to the NPCs, which we’d already done.

Donut had several new spells that came with her Oak Fell class, which was triggered by her casting three atrocities. Mordecai and Rosetta both said they’d never seen a new class get awarded like that before.

Milk had a theory. “I do not know for certain,” she’d said. “But it’s likely a side effect of some posturing that’s currently happening on the 12th. The fact she was also named Champion means it was something that was set in motion by Nekhebit.”

“The Champion system isn’t something that’s normally used at all,” Rosetta had added. “Not with Dungeon Crawler World. They use it in both Battle Royale and Land War seasons. Bodi was a champion of some god or another during his season. And everyone remembers Ntumba from Battle Royale. Being a god’s champion comes with additional benefits ... and some issues. ”

“What sort of issues?” I’d asked, wary.

“It’s similar to worshipping the deity. Enemies of Nekhebit will receive a bounty if they kill her.” She’d lowered her voice, making certain Donut wasn’t in earshot. “Honestly, it’s not too unlike Conscription, but with a lot more autonomy for Donut. Should the goddess want her to do something, she can order her to do it or face a smite.”

“What?” I’d demanded, outraged. “And she just unilaterally put that on Donut? That’s bullshit.”

Rosetta shrugged. “Like Milk said, it was probably the result of a spell she had cast. Probably something along the lines, ‘the first crawler to cast three atrocities on the next floor gets the title and class.’”

Fucking Odette, I thought. I hadn’t talked about this yet with Mordecai, but I imagined he was incensed.

The spells Donut received with her new class were equally bewildering. They all seemed druid-like in their function. All of them had huge areas of effect. She’d gained one called Raise Forest, which caused trees and plants over a one kilometer area per level of spell to quickly sprout, which was just insane. She had one that turned water into salt water. She received a spell called Gather Ye, Vermin. It wasn’t a true summoning spell, but it was something that would draw all mammals within 10 kilometers under a certain size to her location.

The vermin spell had scandalized Donut. “That’s clearly made by the pervert AI so it can summon squishables to you, Carl. Or maybe you can use it in conjunction with your Pied Piper skill or whatever.”

“I didn’t get to keep Pied Piper until after that had happened, and the skill allows me to play musical instruments. It’s not like the fairy tale and has nothing to do with rodents.”

“Wait, you can play your bagpipes now?” Donut gasped. “We can start a band! We can play a song at Louis’s second wedding after we save him!”

“The bagpipes are in the probably-never-going-to-need-this-stuff folder, and that’s where they’re going to stay,” I replied.

“Is that where you keep the bucket of glitter and the Bea Arthur condom and the sushi-making kit?”

“Amongst other things, yes.”   

The most intriguing spell, at least to me, was called Map the All Tree, which was said to only work on the deeper floors. All the others spells took at least 100 mana points to cast. This one only cost a single point, and the description simply said, Provides a map of the All Tree and all the nodes. This spell only works on the 12th and deeper floors.

“Still no word on Louis?” Imani asked me as we bumped along the plains.

“Samantha says he hasn’t moved,” I said. “His health stats haven’t budged. I think the security is holding him for the warlord, but now that the warlord is hiding, they’re just going to hold him indefinitely. At least I hope that’s what’s happening.”

“That, or it’s a trap,” Elle said as she buzzed right above us. “We still don’t know how that slippery fucker got away.”  

I nodded. “It could be a trap. We’ll be careful.”

Rosetta hadn’t wanted Donut to go at all for just that reason, but Donut had announced that she and I weren’t ever going to be separated ever again, and that was that. Tipid had agreed to come along as our “bodyguard.”

Of all the warlords, Warlord Fang was the one we knew the least about. I knew he was like 99% cybernetic and that he could change his shape, kind of like a Terminator-style changeling. And that he and Tagg both were probably the two richest of all the warlords who’d come to fight Faction Wars.

I also knew, however, that if he did die, it wouldn’t be a huge deal for the Reaver corporation. They had a physical chunk of his brain locked up somewhere on one of their worlds. It was called “the Initial” and every year, they peeled microscopic parts off it to build new citizens. If Fang died, they’d just scrape another piece off the brain thing, drop it in a vat to grow for a year or two, slap a bunch of cybernetic parts on it, and call it good.  

“You know,” I said to Imani. “Louis said something weird I don’t quite understand. He said something about a cop’s husband. At first I thought maybe he was talking about Frank and Maggie, but he never had any dealings with them.”

Katia slipped in next to me on the platform. She wrapped her arms around her legs. “He was talking about something else. Something that happened to him when he was a kid. You should have him tell you the story, but a police officer was shot and died protecting him when he was young, and at the funeral for the cop, her husband said something very cruel to Louis which has stuck with him.”

“Don’t tell sad stories about Louis’s past,” Donut shouted from her spot on Mongo’s back. “My goodness. Don’t you know how this works? You’re going to jinx the rescue!”

Ahead, the bombed-to-hell Reaver castle emerged, box-like and ominous. The thing appeared to be made of some plastic-like material, giving the impression it was a life-sized, evil lair playset for some 80’s action figure toy set. The fact it was still standing at all after so much punishment implied whatever this stuff was, it was tough.

I looked up. I couldn’t see the dragon in the smoky sky. But Donut could see it, and she let out a low hiss.

“We had drakes on my season,” Tipid said, also looking up at the clouds. Ash covered him, settling into the angry scar on his bald head. “They were mounts for a death cult of Illusionists.”

“Well, nobody is riding that thing,” Donut said. “It’s just circling over and over up there. Its wing is all broken and see-through, too.”

“Louis fired some missiles at it,” I said. “Donut, let us know if it starts moving toward us.”

The front of the castle was completely broken away and on the side, adding to the plastic toy play set illusion, giving us a cross-section view of the front. The interior was a strange sight. The very front part was a large, featureless room, which in turn led off to dozens of honeycomb-shaped hallways. None of the pathways were big enough for me to walk upright in, and they were stacked up to the ceiling, which was about three or four stories high. Each honeycomb was big enough for me to maybe walk in hunched over.

“Was it like this before?” I asked.

Juice Box reformed into her human shape and landed on the ground, looking up at the honeycombs.

“Yes. The hallways move, but there are multiple thoroughfares in there that are static. We have infiltrated this castle a few times, but we lost the asset who was most familiar with the place. The system is confusing, but it knows where you’re headed, and it creates a single passageway there for you.”

“One of those passages will lead to the throne room. You can’t isolate it,” Rosetta said.

Juice Box shook her head. “Doesn’t matter. We’re not headed for the throne room. Not yet.”

As we approached, one of the honeycombs closed off, and a group of four combined next to it, making a much-larger passageway. The motion was strangely jerky, like the castle itself was malfunctioning.

Our procession came to a stop. I scanned for traps, and I didn’t see anything. I cast Ping, and nothing popped up at all except Samantha, who was right in the middle of the castle, rolling our way. It would only show white-tagged NPCs, mercenaries, and off-worlders. Neither the robots nor Louis would show up on it. The drake, however, did appear. The dot blazed orange on my map. A pet.

Calliope. Cybernetic Bleached Drake. Level 130.

This is a pet of Warlord Fang.  

“It says it’s ‘cybernetic,’” I said.

“I see that, too,” Donut replied. “It doesn’t seem like it’s a robot. Do you remember robot Donut? This thing is much higher quality than that. It certainly doesn’t look like a robot.”

“It’s a cyborg,” I said. “Like that bird thing with the dangling chainsaw on the fifth floor.”  

Donut made a tsking noise with her tongue. “Only level 130. Pity. It doesn’t seem right that we might have to put down such a low-level pet. But like with that disgusting Rottweiler, it probably can’t be helped.” She sighed dramatically. “I never did come up with a good catchphrase for when that second dog died.”  

Katia laughed. “I see you’re taking your upgraded strength well.”

“I just had the ultimate mommy makeover glow up, Katia. Of course I’m taking it well.”  

Katia: How is she doing, really?

Carl: It’s been pretty rough, but she’s doing better than I imagined she would. I, once again, have underestimated her.

Katia: Good. She’s going to need her strength for this next part.

Carl: Yeah, by the way. She filled me in on the plan. ‘Carl it up?’ What does that even mean?

Katia: I don’t know, but I’m willing to bet we’re going to find out now that she told you.

Carl: You sure this is what you want to do?

Katia: Yes, Carl. Especially after all we learned today.

Victory cracked into existence near the front of the castle. She appeared alongside Drick and the antlered adjutant for the Reaver team. I’d seen the alien before, but I hadn’t actually met him or her. The furry thing seemed vaguely demonic, like it was the result of an unholy union between Harbinger the caprid liaison and a mule deer. The thing had large, glassy eyes that looked upon us impassively. The name over that third adjutant was Tart.

“Tart?” Donut asked, looking at me. “Do you see that, Carl? Can you even imagine having a name like Tart? Now that is a stripper name if I ever heard one, no offence guys. That’s worse than being named something like ‘Dallas’ or ‘Kitty!’ Well, maybe not worse than Kitty.”

“Is someone going to make the obvious comment here?” Imani asked.

“Not when she’s now level 135, I’m not,” Elle replied.

“We did once have a dancer named Tart at Bitches,” Splash Zone said. “A kobold.”  

“I remember Tart,” Doctor Bones said. “Interesting lass. Whatever happened to her?”

Dong Quixote pulled up, still astride Gonk. “Tuesday-Two-For-One broke her jaw during a fight which fixed her TMJ, so they moved her down to the High Class Bitches bargain rack lineup. But I heard she couldn’t get along with the madam there. So she became a mercenary after that, and nobody has seen her since. Same thing that happened with my beloved Corcunda.”  

“Tart was a kobold?” Donut asked. “Wait. This caribou looking lady here is most definitely not a kobold.”

“You sure? She sure looks like a stripper,” Bigs said from her position atop Gonk’s head, peering at the alien with antlers, who was looking more outraged by the moment. “But you know, the kind of stripper that doesn’t even bother pretending to dance and just goes straight to the hooker part.”  

“I’m a gentleman, thank you very much,” Tart blurted out with a surprisingly proper accent. “I’ll have you know I am one of the galaxy’s foremost political analysts. For god’s sake, can’t you see my antlers? I am no prostitute!”

“We’ll see about that. I’ll give you ten gold to lick my tail,” Bigs said, turning around and waving her slug behind seductively. “Twelve if you lick against the grain.”

Dong, Doctor Bones, and Splash Zone all burst out laughing. I chuckled as well, as did Drick.

This was a very serious situation, but the fact everyone was in good spirits was a good sign. Still, not everyone appeared amused by any of this, least of all Juice Box, who stood there with her arms crossed. Bautista, too, looked especially annoyed.

The antlered alien rolled his eyes. He turned and whispered something, but he spoke to someone over his left shoulder. Victory and Drick were both on his right.

Huh, I thought. There’s someone else here. Interesting.

I exchanged a glance with Donut, but she’d noticed as well. She already had her glasses on. Victory let out a snort.

There were only two active adjutants that it could be. Judge Deng Bao, the grixist adjutant for the War Mage team and Fopsy, the adjutant for the Dream.  

Donut: IT’S A TYPE OF INVISIBILITY THAT I CAN’T SEE, BUT WHEN I CHANGE TO THE POWER VIEW, I CAN KINDA SORTA SEE AN OUTLINE. IT’S THAT WEIRD ALIEN WHO LOOKS LIKE A BASKETBALL ON STILTS.

Carl: Okay, guys. Both the adjutants for the missing warlords are here, so the idea this might be a trap is starting to look more likely. It’s possible they’re both here somewhere, so no more fucking around.

Juice Box was suddenly by my shoulder. She’d changed so fast I’d missed it. She was now an ethereal, ghost-like creature. Something called a Hunter Wraith.

It was no damn wonder they could never find and catch her before Faction Wars started.   

“Where is he?” the ghost figure demanded, the voice sounding hollow and far away.       

“One moment please,” Dr. Bones said, suddenly serious. “I have your previous map of the place here.” The skeleton DJ pulled out a paper map. “Carl?”

I activated Find Crawler and found him immediately, still unmoving.   

“He’s here,” I said, pointing to a spot on the map. “Can’t tell what the wall configuration looks like, but this is where he is.” On the map, the area was a line of cubicles. If the configuration was the same as before, Louis was in a room no bigger than a coffin. I touched another spot nearby. “Samantha is here, just on the other side of the wall.”

“Got it,” Juice Box said. “I’ll tell you when I have him.” With that, she went completely invisible, and a rush of cool air flashed across my skin.

“Has anyone ever noted that she is quite terrifying?” Doctor Bones said.

~~~~~

How will it all tie together in the end? Let's find out! Just a few more chapters, and we're done. Thank you so much everybody for your constant support.

Also a reminder for my upcoming appearances: