Sad Boi Celebrates New Years. (Patreon)

Here's my weirdly personal bittersweet feels-fest of a 3 weeks late New Years video because I am the MathewMatosis of seasons and holidays. I did actually get this written and recorded before new years, it was meant to be up either on New Years Eve or New Years Day. But then editing took forever because it was too scary and i needed to hide in the dark every day watching old WCW pay-per-views in bed while contemplating my twisted wreck of a life and growing a big bushy beard, which in fact is pretty much all i've been doing since October. I am deep in the grumbling death-sleep of a legitimate winter hibernation and I look like Santa Claus in his depressed college years.

I am at home in Hell and have burrowed ever further into my subterranean safety-swamp. The light cannot find me here, for I have become one with the sweet symphony of darkness and silence. One blankets me in a lover's embrace and the other lullabies me to a sleep that is my only peace. It is entirely possible that I need Jesus. 

In the endlessly chaotic cartoon fever dream that has been my life, nothing yet compares to the wild uncertainty of what changes the next year may bring. Fear has become a black poison in my veins, the whispers of Satan echo softly in my ears, my mind has a mind of it's own, and my mind's mind is out of it's fucking mind. 

Some people think of life as a roller coaster, oh how i envy such comfort and stability. My life is a rusted and barely held together carnival ride operated by a shirtless junkie who smells strongly of Pabst and pee, occasionally lifted from the earth entirely in a radioactive hurricane, hazardously hurled beyond the atmosphere into space and spiraling past the very edge of the Milky Way itself to be devoured and digested by whatever unknowable cosmic horrors and eldritch monstrosities lurk in the dark space between galaxies. 

I was born in chaos and consumed by it long ago, the man you see today is but a tragic marionette, a crude mockery of man dancing to the insane whims of whatever mad Gods crank their cocks to such foolishness and folly, acting out their twisted contortions before collapsing in a mangled heap to await my next farcical possession in whatever cruel and absurd scenario my puppet-masters devise. This infinite improv of increasingly bizarre tragedies, travesties, catastrophes, and maladies form the notes and bars of a merry melody of malevolent malice where everything's made up and the points don't matter like a Whose Line Hoedown from Hell. It is those bars that contain me, and on that note I abstain thee from any further refrains of this inane plea to explain me. 

Vainly, This is all just my typically purple, admittedly odd, and insanely well-written way of saying that i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing at the moment, or what my life is going to look like months from now, let alone a year from now. But as always i thank you all, both for your patronage, and even more sincerely for the positive responses this little video has garnered. It means a lot that my audience respects me enough to afford me the occasional deviation from the youtube comfort zone of hot takes and comedy. Sometimes a man has more to say than jokes about shitting himself and references to video games. 

So before i shit myself, let me sum up the themes of this piece by borrowing a phrase from a video game about a goofy-looking monster-man with delusions of Shakespearian Eloquence, which for some reason i find relatable. 

Have a happy new year if you can, and even if you can't, try to enjoy "the first, bitter taste of that terrible illusion, hope".