The Last Bird-Ferret (Patreon)

Here's a game that was hyped to the moon for like 10 years and then came and went like a wet fart. Who can say why. Maybe the critical reception wasn't good enough, or maybe it simply took too long and nobody cared anymore. Personally I blame the fact that it came out in 2016, which is right around when all the world became a timeless blur of pain. All cause they shot that fucking gorilla (he deserved it by the way).

I have no memory of the years beyond that, or any games that came out during them, and so this was apparently purchased by me at some point, then blended into my shelf, still in the plastic for... however long it's been.

In this game you play as a boy, and his pet bird-ferret-parrot-dog-chicken-chinchilla, as they try to escape a scary Ico tower in the middle of Shadow of The Colossus land while the developer responsible for both tries desperately to live up to their own cursed masterpieces. Do they succeed? Well, let's just say 2 out of 3 ain't bad. 

I'm reasonably certain i hate this game, but i could be wrong, which is the worst feeling of all because it means i have to keep playing to know for sure. The animal in this game is about as intelligent as a wisdom tooth, and just as endearing. I've had tamagochis that touched my heart more. 

Getting this feathery flock of fuck to do what you want is an impossible task, made even more frustrating by the asinine camera that has nowhere to even be. The viewpoint swings wildly out of control, desperately trying to find a vantage point while getting hung up on every corner of the incredibly cramped corridors that this bumbling behemoth drunkenly stumbles through tripping over its own gross chicken feet and awkwardly attempting to sniff its own butt. 

I don't why i'm telling you this now, you probably already played it 4 years ago and heard everyone say the same shit then. Well too bad, cause now I'm saying it too. Game not good. But then again maybe it is. An Ueda game is such a rare and beautiful thing to find in nature that it demands careful inspection, it mustn't be so quickly dismissed like so much shovelware. 

You want to take your time. You're not willing to admit right away that it could be bad. So you give it chance after chance, you stick with it, like Homer Simpson sticking with Marge for 30 years even though all she does is nag and have stupid hair. Yeah, i said it. Homer's the one who settled. 

I forgot what I was talking about. I was going to upload a bunch of cool footage of me being hilarious in the woods today, but i angered the Gods of the forest and was impaled by a stag. So instead this post is being written by a contingency A.I. that i programmed to post disgruntled lets plays upon my disappearance, until such time as the ambrosia bees can coat my corpse in their precious honey and bring me back.