Face-Sitting in Wall Market (Patreon)

Yes. More FF7 remake. It's a real AVALANCHE of content you're getting today.

I really meant to space these out over the month this time, but all the copyright trouble i had to deal with for the RE3 video threw everything out of wack and pissed me right off, so i had to leave civilization and live in the forest again. It happens. 

This one picks up immediately after the mechanical arm stuff, which means i finally made it to the arena, right? Ha. No. There's still another entire section of errands to finish first. Yay. 

This is the tragedy of Cloud Strife. All he wanted was to finish his errands, do some arena battles, and get his face sat on by the iconic and beloved sex-bomb, Tifa. But first he has to deal with that fucking loser hick Chocobo Sam, the folksiest human trafficker around. Then he has to get his face sat on by the handjob lady, who is NOT Tifa and therefore doesn't even count. Then he has to dress like a woman, and sit on everyone else's ugly face. Will this man's suffering ever end? Will Chocobo Sam please just die?

No. It obviously will not. They'll keep milking this poor boy and remaking his game with more and more silly bitch-work until the end of time, and i'm sure somehow Chocobo Sam will outlive us all, that goddamn dork. Hell, even when our intrepid hero finally does get to the arena to do his extra Aeris battles, he has to do all the main battles again first. This includes fighting that damn Monster House from the movie Monster House, which in the original game was just a regular battle but now has to be a 20 minute ordeal full of interrupting cutscenes where Chocobo Sam gives his shitty opinions that no one asked for, because of course it does. 

I fucking hate Chocobo Sam. He sucks and i want to kick his ass. I don't care about Sephiroth, only Sam is my enemy now. He has wasted my time and i resent his inclusion in the canon of this world and story. 

I can't believe Square-Enix thought it necessary to add this guy, but not a scene of Tifa explicitly sitting on my face, which should have been the only reason to remake the game at all. 

To make matters worse, this southern fried chicken-turkey-redneck bitch-boy has the nerve, the audacity, the sheer fucking hubris, to talk about my Tifa like some common gutter-slut. 

This geek probably thinks he can just tip his stupid hat, flip his dumbass coin, and get his own crappy face sat on. Well listen here, you podunk punk, there's a new swingin-dick in town. I got the baby-blues that make the ladies swoon, with the baby-smooth chin for that glistenin poon, and my boots are as hungry for your face as my face is for Tifa's ass. 

So back off, cornpone. That girl's too damn good for you and the only face she's sitting on is mine. Now hit the bricks before you get your shit kicked in, you trailer-trash gringo douchebag, cause there's only one cowboy-punchin, butt-munchin, cunt-lickin, shit-kickin spiky-haired, gillionaire, slum-dog SOLDIER MAN ENOUGH for Tifa, and that Outlaw Scum-fuck's name is ME. 

Signed, 

The President of The United States of America, Cloud J. Strife.

(I don't know about the rest of you, but this is what it said on my stimulus check)