Beer Quest in The Woods Again (Patreon)

And now... the epic, nightmare conclusion to that beerquest video i posted the other month. This is part 2, of 2. Which means you never have to watch this show again, even though for some asinine reason that i'll never understand it seems most of you actually like watching me torture myself with various nasty foot-flavored beers. Oh wait, i know the reason. I'm hilarious. Crap. 

Too hilarious for this post. I just wrote 5 pages worth of something or other here and then realized it was good shit. Too good to waste on a Beer Quest post. So i threw it in the garbage.

Well. Okay. Since i decided not to use my A material here, what the fuck else should i tell you people about?

Oh here's a story. I went to Sonic the other day. And i was like hey do you have any corn dogs, and they were like NOOOOO we're out of corn dogs! So i was like, do you have any milk shakes and they were like NOOOOO we're out of milk shakes! I'm not just doing a weird al bit, this really happened. They were out out of everything. 

So they give me this little poker chip as an apology, and the poker chip is for a free drink or something, so I'm like alright fine, i won't kill you. This time. 

Anyways a week or so later i stopped at another Sonic to spend my chip and i pulled up to their weird parking space/ ordering signs and said hello i have a chip for a free drink. And the guy was like "durrrhhh whaaaattt" like he couldn't hear or couldn't understand or something. so im like "I have a chip!", and he's like "what, you want chips?"

And im like "NOOOOO goddamnit i HAVE a chip for a FREE DRINK, and i would like the drink, please. I am here to exchange my free drink chip for a free drink you mindless grub of a man."

so i see the drink come up on the sign and its charging me for it. And im like uhh what the fuck. but there's no way out of it without paying, so im like oh boy this is going to be an ordeal. 

So i press the talk button again to talk to the guy and im like "dude, i had a free drink chip, i dont wanna be charged for the drink i have a chip"

and the dude was like "welcome to sonic can i take your order"

and im like "god fucking damnit im not a new order im the same guy. im trying to tell you i aint paying for this drink i have a chip."

and the dude is like "yes sir just slide your card in the chip reader"

and im like "NOOOO not a credit card chip im talking about a poker chip from sonic for a FREE DRINK. Why dont you understand! Why doesnt anyone ever understand! I'm gonna fucking kill you!"

Then i blacked out or something because i was getting pissed off so i dont know how long it took, but anyways after an eternity some kid finally comes out with my free drink. But get this, the little doofus forgets to take my chip entirely. 

I guess there was a miscommunication back there, big surprise. Maybe he thought i already paied with my credit card chip, or maybe it was on the house because he feared for his life. Point is, i got a drink for free and didn't even have to use my chip, so i still have it, and can still get a free sonic drink. I made off like a fuckin bandit, baby. 

The drink wasn't even that good tho. 

That story reminds me of a similar story this summer where the same exact thing happened but less annoying. I was in a resort town at a big ice cream line. The line was wrapped around outside the building because no one is allowed to go inside buildings anymore. 

While waiting in line, a moderately attractive college girl complimented my Street Fighter 2 socks, but she was clearly too young to be a real street fighter 2 fan so i said "Begone you fucking zoomer! I'm a gamer gater with a 290 iq and i cant stand you fake gamer girls always thinking you can mooch off my hard-earned reddit karma by noticing my cool socks. I know my socks are cool, you bitch. Mind your own beeswax and shove off. Go sing yer siren song, somewhere else, harlot. Back to the damn-ed, curse-ed sea with ye." 

She cried, screeched, then finally sprouted her harpy wings and flew back to her rock by the lighthouse. But that's not the point of the story. 

The point is i got up to the ice cream and it was so busy and hectic they took my order, then took the next persons, then gave me my order, and took the next persons again, and forgot to charge me. So once again, i made off like a fuckin bandit. 

Later that day, i went to a beach side gift store and stole a 1 dolar pair of sunglasses. Because it was only a dollar and i didn't feel like talking to the cashiere. I tell ya, that's the third time i made off like a fuckin bandit. That's called a hat trick. Maybe i should steal a hat too. Then i can make off like a fuckin bandit. 

Alright that's more like it. That's my far-out hoopy story about stuff and junk. Maybe not my most refined work, but just the level of storytelling and prose a Beer Quest post deserves. I'll save the good stuff for my Mark Twain award speech.